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Recap: Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode 1

Confession:
I have a guilty pleasure.  That guilty pleasure is trashy reality tv in general, but the Jersey Shore more specifically.  I watched the first season out of sheer curiosity, because I actually spent a summer on the Jersey Shore in undergrad.  I had an internship at Sandy Hook with the NPS, which is just up the coast a bit from Seaside Heights where the cast spends their summers.  I have seen this culture of which they speak.  In fact, I may have participated in it a wee bit, albeit as a pasty white nerdy girl.  In any case, I quickly realized that watching this show is like watching a train wreck, and I can’t keep my eyes off of it.  Season 2 in Miami was not as good, mainly because there was no New Jersey in it.  To my foreign readers who don’t know, New Jersey is referred to as the armpit of America for a reason.  In any case, this season is back in New Jersey, and honestly, I’m going to be streaming it every week on mtv.com anyway.  I may as well offer my snarky recap for you all.  Just…..avert your eyes if you can’t handle the trainwreck.

Recap and Snark:
The season opened as they always do with showing the cast members are home prepping for the SHORE BITCH.  We start off with Snooki, because the producers are not idiots and know that she is the break-out star of the bunch.  This is when we get the SURPRISE that there’s a new member of the cast, Deena, who we all already knew was a new member of the cast, because have you seen these people?  They can barely remember where their hair gel is, let alone how to keep a secret.

Deena and Snooki rant with a lot of oh my gawd’s that they are like totally the best friends ever, oh my gawd, they are like, clones of each other.  Beyond them both being short and stupid and not really realizing the latter, I’m not quite seeing it.  Snooki became an accidental star.  Deena is clearly jumping on the bandwagon.  Ok, maybe she’s a wee bit smarter than Snooki.

One of the more interesting things that Deena announces is that she and Snooki frequently go, “Guy shopping.”  Is that a thing?  Why isn’t there a guy store in my mall?  Can I get in on that?

Snooki, being as obliviously brutally honest as usual, announces, “I am so excited to hook up with my roommates!!”  Yes, Snooki dear.  We all know that’s the main appeal of the house.  Hot gorilla sex.

Everyone else’s intros are not very interesting.  DJ Pauly D apparently still lives with his mother. LOL  JWOWW has a boyfriend yet again who she is not getting along well with and can’t wait to ditch him for the Shore.  The Situation, holy shit, people, has more jewelery than I do.  Wow.  He has it all laid out on his bed, and I suddenly understand where all of his money has gone to.  Also, we discover that Sammi is from Hazlet, which suddenly explains why she is such a raging bitch.  Hazlet is not exactly a town that is known for its nice people.

Also!  We find out that Sammi and Ronnie got back together, and they are like so totes in love.  *eye-roll*  These people make me as irritated as Bella and Edward.  They are the non-pasty white trashy east coast version of the pasty white vampires of the west coast.  Gag me.

So then we have two successive blatantly obvious meddling of the producers moments.  First, everyone pretends like they like omg had no idea Deena was coming and Angelina was out.  Second, that it just so happens that Situation lands in a  room with Ronnie and Sammi.  Producers.  I don’t care how stupid these people are, there is no way that a couple would arrive first and choose a three person bedroom.  No way.  Stop messing with my Shore crew.  They do stupid enough shit on their own without you meddling.  Seriously.  Just sit back and let them be.  They’ll take care of the rest.

By far the most exciting return of the first episode is that of the duck phone!  I freaking love the duck phone; you have no idea.  It quacks!  It has a cord!  It leads to scenes involving a drunk Snooki in a trucker hat holding a duck’s severed body up to her head while sitting on a bean bag chair calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night!  That phone is epic.  EPIC I TELL YOU.

And then Situation meets Deena.  Oh snap.  This is gonna get interesting.  Situation is clearly mind blown by Deena.  Not that he has much mind to blow to start with, but still, this is rather odd.  Deena’s not unattractive, but she doesn’t seem like Situation’s type.  On the other hand, she does “accidentally” show him her hoo-ha on her first night there, so.  There is that.  She also asks him to help her go find her lucky hat which JWOWW and one of the guys (Vinny? Pauly? Who knows, who cares) take to be an innuendo for sex.  Would her va-jay-jay be the lucky hat in this scenario?  If that’s the case, they found it alright, but they sure didn’t put it to any use.

Situation’s fascination with Deena is perfectly summed up by his explanation of her, “If Deena was a holiday, she’d be Thanksgiving, because she has a lot to give and she’s down for a lot of stuffing.”  Thank you, Mike.  I will never look at Thanksgiving the same way ever again.

The other two main dynamics that quickly show up in the household are:

Snooki and Vinny.  They hooked up last season, and evidently something went down between seasons.  They both say they love each other, but Vinny slept with Snooki’s best friend?  And now Vinny won’t sleep with Snooki, because although he loves her, he’s gonna sleep with other girls this summer and he doesn’t want to hurt her? Okayyyy……..  This fight and revelation, naturally, takes place in the hot tub.

The other, and thus far more interesting one, is that Sammi is still being a bitch and Ronnie has apparently decided to hand his balls over to her.  Of course, looking at his vast muscle over-compensation, I’m gonna hazard to guess there isn’t too much manhood to worry about, if you know what I mean.  Sammi refuses to even answer Deena’s question about where she’s from.  That’s just…..pointless.  Why is she trying to be a bitch?  What’s up with that?  Later Deena tells Situation that Sammi is laughing at her.  Situation says no she’s not, and Sammi comes back with, “Oh yes I am!”  Oh. Snap.  Then Deena calls Sammi the c-word.  Yes, the c-word, which she totally deserves, and the girls all start fighting.  The best scene of the entire first episode was the shot of Vinny, Pauly, and Mike watching the girls (and Ronnie *cough* girl *cough*) fight.  Their heads bounce back and forth like they’re watching a tennis match, and they have these amazing half-grins on their faces.  Sammi takes a pathetic fake swing at JWOWW.

Sammi, dear, you do not fake mess with JWOWW.  That bitch has more balls than your boyfriend.  Naturally a fight starts to break out right at the end of the episode.

I cannot wait for next week’s girl fight.

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