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Recap: Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode 2

January 19, 2011 Leave a comment

This was a relatively dull episode featuring far too much Ronnie/Sammi drama, but the previews promise us that the next episode will include the infamous ARREST OF SNOOKI.  So we have that to look forward to.

The fight that started at the end of last week’s episode between Sammi and JWWOW quickly fizzles when a couple of big, black MTV bodyguards split the girls up.  This is intriguing because in previous seasons it was always the other roommates who split fights up, but this time they seemed content to watch JWWOW smash Sammi.  A dramatic camera close-up shows us that *someone* lost a fistful of hair, but it was unclear who.  I’m hoping Sammi.

Later, while Sammi pouts and Ronnie sits there trying to be a good boyfriend but clearly bored to tears, the roommates prep to go out.  Snooki and Deena remind us yet again that they are like totally “two peas in a pod.”  The men of the house then start a debate over whether Deena’s boobs are real or fake.  She informs them that they’re real, and then one of the guys asks, “What’s in boobs anyway?”  Deena says, “I dunno.  Fat?”  Dude says, “What about milk?”  Deena replies that she thinks that’s only there when you’re pregnant.  I have never face-palmed so much over a conversation in my entire life.

The roommates (minus Ronnie and Sammi) go out.  Vinny is convinced he has a stalker at the club.  If he in fact does, we all know it’s because of the show and not him.  He’s the most forgettable of the bunch.  Snooki gets trashed and randomly hides in a bush then informs the camera, “I will pee in a bush; I will poop in a bush; I will hide in a bush.”  ……Good to know?…….JWWOW brings her home and calls her boyfriend who’s randomly being pissy at her, which seems odd until he hangs up the phone with “and happy anniversary to you too.”  Oh snap.  JWWOW forgot their anniversary.  Um, dude, just a friendly suggestion here but maybe you should dump the girl who’s happier to be at the Shore than with you and forgets your anniversary?  Just a suggestion.

The most bizarre out of left field part of this episode occurs the next morning when Ronnie and Sammi get up and GO TO CHURCH.  If I wasn’t agnostic, I’d have fully expected them to get struck by lightning the instant they set foot in there.  Alas, we did not get to see them actually in the church, so I remain skeptical about that.  Maybe they just *said* they were going to church but really went and fucked on a beach somewhere?  I am baffled.

The rest of the crew rolls out of bed sometime in the early afternoon and are all pissed that Ronnie and Sammi took the car without like saying anything to anyone or leaving a note or anything.  They then all do GTL.  We get to see JWWOW do some punching, but it is far less cathartic than if Sammi had been on the receiving end of it.  The crew then cooks family Sunday dinner and are very peeved that Ronnie and Sammi aren’t there for it.  When Ronnie and Sammi get back, Ronnie looks like a beat up puppydog, and Sammi is just generally a bitch to everyone.  Naturally.  Deena sums it up best (shockingly), “I have no idea why Sammi’s here. She’s boring. She’s just there. She’s like furniture.”  Yes.  Bitchy, annoying furniture.

The next day Deena, Situation, and I believe Vinny “work” at the tshirt shop from last summer.  That owner has the patience of a saint.  Later, Snooki and Deena play kickball on the roof of the house, which is not in itself interesting, but when they loose the ball, Vinny comes to help.  He and Snooki make multiple blatant insinuations that when they hooked up, Vinny’s penis was too big for Snooki’s vagina.  I can’t decide if this means that Vinny has a huge-ass penis, or Snooki has a freakishly small vagina to go along with how short she is.  In any case, this has led to me imagining the two of them naked together, and I did *not* need that image in my head!

Later everyone, including Ronnie and Sammi, go out to the boardwalk.  For those who don’t know, the boardwalk on the Shore is basically a carnival.  It looks entirely awesome, and I don’t know how I missed going to it when I was on the Shore that one summer.  Ronnie actually starts running around having fun with everyone while Sammi stands in the middle of the street being pissed off and generally a wet blanket on the whole evening.  When they get home, Sammi tearfully tells Ronnie how much he hurt her when he cheated on her in Miami.  He tells her that he knows what he did was wrong, but “at least I came home to you every night.”  Sammi looks like she just got slapped in the face, and I suddenly feel sympathy for her.  She should have listened to her girlfriends instead of ostracizing them over the skeezebucket of a “man” that is Ronnie, but sometimes people in love do stupid things.

 

Recap: Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode 1

January 12, 2011 Leave a comment

Confession:
I have a guilty pleasure.  That guilty pleasure is trashy reality tv in general, but the Jersey Shore more specifically.  I watched the first season out of sheer curiosity, because I actually spent a summer on the Jersey Shore in undergrad.  I had an internship at Sandy Hook with the NPS, which is just up the coast a bit from Seaside Heights where the cast spends their summers.  I have seen this culture of which they speak.  In fact, I may have participated in it a wee bit, albeit as a pasty white nerdy girl.  In any case, I quickly realized that watching this show is like watching a train wreck, and I can’t keep my eyes off of it.  Season 2 in Miami was not as good, mainly because there was no New Jersey in it.  To my foreign readers who don’t know, New Jersey is referred to as the armpit of America for a reason.  In any case, this season is back in New Jersey, and honestly, I’m going to be streaming it every week on mtv.com anyway.  I may as well offer my snarky recap for you all.  Just…..avert your eyes if you can’t handle the trainwreck.

Recap and Snark:
The season opened as they always do with showing the cast members are home prepping for the SHORE BITCH.  We start off with Snooki, because the producers are not idiots and know that she is the break-out star of the bunch.  This is when we get the SURPRISE that there’s a new member of the cast, Deena, who we all already knew was a new member of the cast, because have you seen these people?  They can barely remember where their hair gel is, let alone how to keep a secret.

Deena and Snooki rant with a lot of oh my gawd’s that they are like totally the best friends ever, oh my gawd, they are like, clones of each other.  Beyond them both being short and stupid and not really realizing the latter, I’m not quite seeing it.  Snooki became an accidental star.  Deena is clearly jumping on the bandwagon.  Ok, maybe she’s a wee bit smarter than Snooki.

One of the more interesting things that Deena announces is that she and Snooki frequently go, “Guy shopping.”  Is that a thing?  Why isn’t there a guy store in my mall?  Can I get in on that?

Snooki, being as obliviously brutally honest as usual, announces, “I am so excited to hook up with my roommates!!”  Yes, Snooki dear.  We all know that’s the main appeal of the house.  Hot gorilla sex.

Everyone else’s intros are not very interesting.  DJ Pauly D apparently still lives with his mother. LOL  JWOWW has a boyfriend yet again who she is not getting along well with and can’t wait to ditch him for the Shore.  The Situation, holy shit, people, has more jewelery than I do.  Wow.  He has it all laid out on his bed, and I suddenly understand where all of his money has gone to.  Also, we discover that Sammi is from Hazlet, which suddenly explains why she is such a raging bitch.  Hazlet is not exactly a town that is known for its nice people.

Also!  We find out that Sammi and Ronnie got back together, and they are like so totes in love.  *eye-roll*  These people make me as irritated as Bella and Edward.  They are the non-pasty white trashy east coast version of the pasty white vampires of the west coast.  Gag me.

So then we have two successive blatantly obvious meddling of the producers moments.  First, everyone pretends like they like omg had no idea Deena was coming and Angelina was out.  Second, that it just so happens that Situation lands in a  room with Ronnie and Sammi.  Producers.  I don’t care how stupid these people are, there is no way that a couple would arrive first and choose a three person bedroom.  No way.  Stop messing with my Shore crew.  They do stupid enough shit on their own without you meddling.  Seriously.  Just sit back and let them be.  They’ll take care of the rest.

By far the most exciting return of the first episode is that of the duck phone!  I freaking love the duck phone; you have no idea.  It quacks!  It has a cord!  It leads to scenes involving a drunk Snooki in a trucker hat holding a duck’s severed body up to her head while sitting on a bean bag chair calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night!  That phone is epic.  EPIC I TELL YOU.

And then Situation meets Deena.  Oh snap.  This is gonna get interesting.  Situation is clearly mind blown by Deena.  Not that he has much mind to blow to start with, but still, this is rather odd.  Deena’s not unattractive, but she doesn’t seem like Situation’s type.  On the other hand, she does “accidentally” show him her hoo-ha on her first night there, so.  There is that.  She also asks him to help her go find her lucky hat which JWOWW and one of the guys (Vinny? Pauly? Who knows, who cares) take to be an innuendo for sex.  Would her va-jay-jay be the lucky hat in this scenario?  If that’s the case, they found it alright, but they sure didn’t put it to any use.

Situation’s fascination with Deena is perfectly summed up by his explanation of her, “If Deena was a holiday, she’d be Thanksgiving, because she has a lot to give and she’s down for a lot of stuffing.”  Thank you, Mike.  I will never look at Thanksgiving the same way ever again.

The other two main dynamics that quickly show up in the household are:

Snooki and Vinny.  They hooked up last season, and evidently something went down between seasons.  They both say they love each other, but Vinny slept with Snooki’s best friend?  And now Vinny won’t sleep with Snooki, because although he loves her, he’s gonna sleep with other girls this summer and he doesn’t want to hurt her? Okayyyy……..  This fight and revelation, naturally, takes place in the hot tub.

The other, and thus far more interesting one, is that Sammi is still being a bitch and Ronnie has apparently decided to hand his balls over to her.  Of course, looking at his vast muscle over-compensation, I’m gonna hazard to guess there isn’t too much manhood to worry about, if you know what I mean.  Sammi refuses to even answer Deena’s question about where she’s from.  That’s just…..pointless.  Why is she trying to be a bitch?  What’s up with that?  Later Deena tells Situation that Sammi is laughing at her.  Situation says no she’s not, and Sammi comes back with, “Oh yes I am!”  Oh. Snap.  Then Deena calls Sammi the c-word.  Yes, the c-word, which she totally deserves, and the girls all start fighting.  The best scene of the entire first episode was the shot of Vinny, Pauly, and Mike watching the girls (and Ronnie *cough* girl *cough*) fight.  Their heads bounce back and forth like they’re watching a tennis match, and they have these amazing half-grins on their faces.  Sammi takes a pathetic fake swing at JWOWW.

Sammi, dear, you do not fake mess with JWOWW.  That bitch has more balls than your boyfriend.  Naturally a fight starts to break out right at the end of the episode.

I cannot wait for next week’s girl fight.