Movie Review: Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (1973)
Summary:
A Satanic cult is doing something evil in a castle above a dungeon full of female vampires. Van Helsing is called in to help, and he insists that the king of all vampires, Count Dracula, is back.
Review:
My friend and I decided we wanted to have an old-school horror movie night. We chose the film before seeing it was shot in the 1970s. I immediately informed her that there would be boobies, mark my words. 1970s films are just *rampant* with boobs. Especially horror films. Sure enough, not even 30 seconds into the film, and there’s a naked woman on an altar having rooster blood (*cough* cock blood *cough*) poured onto her.
I honestly came away from this film with three distinct impressions: tits, blood, and vampire teeth. I honestly cannot explain the plot to you, hence the short summary above. It makes very little sense. There are writhing vampire women, Van Helsing, Dracula, some sort of plot to put a super-uber black plague into the world, and an evil bunch of Satanists. How that all fits together remains a mystery. Yet I still found it immensely enjoyable as a giggle-inducing cult classic.
First, there’s the rampant unnecessary nudity so typical of the 1970s. Then there’s the costumes that are obviously trying to be exotic, but just succeed in looking like the 1970s. The insane plot becomes irrelevant when you’re faced with scene after scene of ridiculous costumes, sentences, and moments. Nothing induces hilarity quite like a dungeon full of half-naked writhing vampire women being taken out by a bunch of sprinklers, because apparently any water works not just holy water.
All of which is to say, while I found this film hilarious and entertaining, you have to have a certain personality type to enjoy it. If you like classic, serious old-school horror films, this isn’t for you. If you like plots that make sense, this isn’t for you. However, if you like 1970s romps full of unintentionally hilarious scenes and nudity, then you’ll certainly enjoy this film. The vampires don’t hurt either.
3.5 out of 5 stars
Source: Gift
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This work by Amanda Nevius is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Opinions of a Wolf 
I saw this movie under the name “Satanic Rites of Dracula.” Hammer cranked out so many of these it’s hard to keep them straight!
If you do this again, check out The Abominable Dr. Phibes!
Well, my dad gave me a set of 50 horror movie classics, so I expect this to be a bit of a recurring feature!